Did you ever just lose you s*** on somebody over something minor? Like really lose you s***? No? Just me?
Yup. I did. I went bananas over the most petty thing. It really wasn’t about the thing. It certainly wasn’t about the person. It just happened to be the last little thing I could tolerate, or rather couldn’t tolerate, at that point in that particular day.
You see, life is hard. Even on a good day you have to remember to eat, drink water, brush your teeth, and don’t forget about going to work and paying your bills! Naturally some days are better than others. There might even be multiple good years, but life is not easy.
Then there are years like 2020. Things just keep happening, adding to the stress. New Year’s Eve was great! My husband and I went out to a roaring 20s themed event with neighbours. We dressed up and had a great time.
And then …
My father got sick. Well, he was diagnosed with stage 4 renal cancer in June of 2018. He was told he could have major surgery to remove his kidney followed by radiation and chemo. He was told if left untreated he would have between 2-5 years. There were no guarantees they could help at all because it was so advanced when they found it. He elected to not have surgery, chemo, nor radiation. He felt he would rather have two good years than five years feeling sick or not fully recovering from surgery. You see, he felt fine. He wasn’t hurting. He wasn’t feeling sick. He wanted to be able to enjoy as many of his days as possible that he had left.
Shortly after Christmas Dad started getting pain in his shoulder. He called to make an appointment with his primary care doctor who happened to be on vacation. They offered him a visit with a different provider in their practice but he opted to wait until his doctor was available. It was only going to be another week.
So the first week of January he goes to his doctor. They do x-rays and blood work then sent him home and asked him to wait by the phone for the results. His calcium was really high so they sent him to the emergency room for treatment. There they found his cancer had spread. It was everywhere. Now he had tumours in his humerus, his spine encroaching on his spinal cord, his lungs, his rib, his blood, his lymph nodes, I could go on. They told him to go home and get his affairs in order.
That was a hard blow. He felt fine last week and now he has to prepare for his death. He was admitted to the hospital that day and spent a week there and was told to get up with his oncologist for follow up after discharge. That took another week.
So now it’s the end of January and he is going to do radiation for pain control. He had a total of 18 radiation treatments and two biopsies. During this time I worked 12 hour shifts on Saturdays and Sundays and spent Monday to Friday taking him back and forth to appointments.
Week 2 of February he spent back in the hospital with an elevated calcium again. When he got out, the radiation weakened his humerus riddled with cancer to the point it snapped under its own weight when he stood up. It needed surgical repair but his blood work didn’t allow for it. He walked around for the rest of his life with his arm literally broken in two.
One of Dad’s oncologists mentioned a newer medication that works with renal cancer. It was an immune boosting chemotherapy. 60% of people have no side effects; 40% have mild diarrhoea; less than 1% of people reported a severe reaction. He decided he would give it a try. So the last Wednesday of February he sat for the infusion. Unfortunately, Dad was in the latter category. He had enough. He was in constant pain from the cancer and the broken arm. He was now weak, needing assistance to stand. He was done suffering.
Dad started hospice the first Thursday in March. He began asking “how many hours” until family arrived. Not days, hours. Saturday he was sitting up and having conversations. He called his one sister who couldn’t travel via FaceTime. Sunday he was unable to sit up and could only mumble. Monday morning he died.
This is March of 2020 and now a pandemic has spread. We managed to have a small memorial service for him the following Saturday before the world closed. Closing out an estate when you can’t go anywhere is difficult. Nearly 4 months later we are still working on it.
Mom moved in with us the day Dad died. She brought her two dogs with her. My household now has four dogs and six people. March was spent trying to figure out life after Dad’s death. April was spent clearing out their house. May comes along and Mom fell, breaking her hip.
After surgery (partial hip replacement) and a brief rehab stay (they want people out as soon as physically possible to prevent the spread of the virus) she came home. She is completely dependent because she is trying to learn how to walk with her new hip. Our family members take turns helping her.
Also in May I went back to work. Now I’m working full time and still trying to deal with Dad’s estate. Also, I’m helping my mother out as much as possible because she can’t do it. Oh, and I have three kids and four dogs, etc.
To say life is stressful is an understatement. And this is just the highlights. There are so many more things I don’t have the mental capacity to share. We were supposed to take the kids to New York City, as their Christmas present, but that was cancelled. I was supposed to spend two weeks in Paris with a good friend from out of state I haven’t seen in years, that was cancelled. Oh and let’s add to this quarantine meaning everyone in the house is home all of the time. There is no quiet time.
Want to know the final kicker? Our AC broke the end of June in North Carolina. A four year old system needed over $2000 of repairs while it was ninety degrees or more outside.
I’m tired. No, I’m exhausted. Mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. Every little thing irritates me. My kids could look at me wrong and I blow up. It’s not fair to them. It’s not fair to my husband that I am so agitated all the time. It is not fair to my mother who has done nothing wrong.
Finally, I went to the beach. My husband told me to go. He convinced me I needed a break.
Four and a half hours of driving alone each way, listening to podcasts and audio books, some salt water, good company, and a couple beverages later I felt so much better.
I’m not saying my stress is gone but I feel much better. Will I still loose my cool on someone who doesn’t deserve it? Maybe. But hopefully not anytime soon.
Oily Minded Medic 