Oily Minded Medic

My Heart Hurts

My heart hurts.

My heart hurts for the family and friends of a young, new police officer minding his own business, in his own car, off duty, in his own neighbourhood.

My heart hurts for the Raleigh Police Department.

My heart hurts for the other police, fire, and EMS agencies who responded, are near the area, or anywhere, really, who respond to their own brothers and sisters being slaughtered, even those off duty at the time.

My heart hurts for the emergency room staff (registration, nurses, techs, doctors, security, police, chaplains, etc) affected by receiving multiple patients from this incident.

My heart hurts for the family, friends, and neighbours having to deal with the unthinkable.

My heart hurts for a neighbourhood who couldn’t feel safe in their own homes or were worried about those inside their homes that they couldn’t get to.

My heart hurts for all the families whose lives have been altered forever due to the actions of one person.

My heart hurts for the family of the young man who caused this event.

My heart hurts.

Our world is in turmoil. Mental health has been ostracised for decades. Having something as common as ADHD or anxiety has been stigmatised so heavily that those with severe depression or bipolar or schizophrenia are afraid to ask for help. When they do finally reach the point they have no choice but to get help, they are abandoned by the ones they trust the most or claim to be their family and friends.

It’s time to put an end to the shame that has encompassed mental illness for as long as I can remember.

It’s not your fault your brain doesn’t work like it’s supposed to.

It’s not your fault your chemistry isn’t the same as someone else’s.

It’s not your fault you need help to survive the disaster of life we all attempt to navigate.

It’s not your fault.

We can play the blame game until we are blue in the face. It won’t change anything.

The only thing that can change the outcome of the future is us. The people today who have the ability to remove the disgrace and dishonour of a mental health diagnosis.

Chemical imbalances in your physical health are treated without the blink of an eye. Oh, you are a diabetic? Here is some Metformin or Lantus. Oh, you have a clotting disorder? Here is some Coumadin or vitamin K. Oh, you are bipolar? Dishonour! Dishonour on your whole family! Make a note of this! Dishonour on YOU!

That sentiment is unacceptable and dangerous.

If anything comes of tonight’s events, let it be this.

A young man with his entire life ahead of him felt his only way to feel validated or significant is to cause immense trauma to complete strangers and to alter the lives of hundreds. That is not okay.

My heart hurts.

Evolving Dreams

The majority of my life I have been known as a mother, and a wife, and a paramedic. Although I am still both a paramedic and a mother, I am no longer a wife. And that’s okay. People change. They grow apart. Their dreams and visions evolve.

Over the last two years I have grown in ways I never knew possible. I have taken time to do things for myself I would have only dreamed of before. Not to the fault of anyone else besides the “norms” of society.

The world in which I have lived and grown in has dictated that women first and foremost relinquish their own lives and happiness to become a mother. And when they have given all they think they have to raising children, they should be a perfect homemaker and wife at the same time. Giving every other part of their livelihoods to building a household and making their husbands feel comfortable and loved. Then, when you have almost nothing left to give, women are expected to have a full time job to help support their households, if not a couple part time jobs as well.

I am not saying I was a perfect wife nor housekeeper. I am not saying I am a perfect mother. I am not saying I am a perfect employee. What I am saying is that the society I grew up in expected me to be all of those things. All of the time. And if I failed in any one of those aspects in the very slightest, I wasn’t good enough. I’ve lived my entire life trying to satisfy unrealistic expectations. And I am finally over it.

I am divorced. That does not make me a failure.

My children share their time between two households. When they are here I work 12 hour shifts a couple of those days, sometimes over night. That does not make me a failure.

I have a full time job. I have taken vacation and FMLA and sick leave in the last six months. That does not make me a failure.

There once was a time I considered my value based on what society told me was ideal. According to that, I AM a failure. But you know what? Society is wrong. 50 years ago. 20 years ago. Even now. One cannot base a woman’s worth on anything. ANYTHING. Women cannot continue to compare themselves to impractical standards. Women CANNOT continue to compare themselves to other women.

Do what makes you happy. If you think that makes you a bad mother, just think of the example you are setting for you kids. Do you want them to live life as you are? If you think that makes you a bad wife, maybe that marriage isn’t for you. And that’s okay. If you think that makes you a bad employee, perhaps it’s time to find another career or employer. There is NOTHING wrong with that.

I have been to Asheville, Orlando, Charlotte, Atlanta, Winston Salem, and Sint Maarten, concerts, hockey games, and had surgery since January. I have several more vacations, concerts, and weekend adventures planned for the rest of the year. I have been hiking and running and hanging out with friends and neighbours with no intention of slowing down anytime soon.

I say all this to encourage everyone to do something, anything, to make them happy. The only thing it costs is a little bit of time you once had dedicated to something else. I promise you. Your happiness is worth it.

You only get one life. Don’t waste it trying to show the world you are what they think you ought to be. Don’t waste it trying to make others happy.

Do what makes you happy. True happiness is infectious and shines onto all those around you.

Allow your dreams to evolve or, for once, allow yourself the opportunity to fulfil your own dreams.

You are worth it.

Living Life to Its Fullest

One time in my life I was afraid of what seemed like everything. Spiders, ladders, heights, boats, bridges, insects, flying, elevators, small spaces, etc. Those are just a FEW examples. I was paralyzed with fear, or hyperventilated, or I had to talk myself into whatever situation required me to face my fears, even while at work. It was life limiting.

Somewhere in the last year of rebuilding myself I forgot to be afraid. I first noticed it when there was a spider in my truck. I picked it up and placed it safely outside. It never occurred to me to be afraid. A year earlier I would have be frozen in fear. That was the first time I realised I was free from phobias. The second time was when I had to wear my full chemical suit with respirator at work while taping everything together and I wasn’t scared. I did it. Willingly. During our fit testing every year we have to wear just the respirator and it used to take me a long time to work up the courage to put it on my face. Not anymore!

I have decided to start enjoying life. Really enjoying life. And I am. I am making amazing memories with my children. I am having a blast with my friends. And I am not asking permission. I know what I want and I am going after it full speed ahead.

Snags and snafus happen but they are just character builders. Smile, say thank you for the lesson, move on, and move up.

Have a dance party every day, at home, at work, in your car, even if you are alone.

Sing at the top of your lungs wherever you happen to be and as often as you can, especially if the world is listening.

Be the light in the darkness. Shine bright enough for others to benefit.

Live your life to its fullest and don’t look back.

You are worthy of happiness.

How Bizarre

Have you ever had an event that was so bizarre you clearly didn’t make it up?

That was me tonight.

The story I like to tell is that my mother stabbed me in the face. She doesn’t like it when I say that.

I mean, technically that IS what happened. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was throwing away chicken bones. I dropped some on the floor. Sage, my vacuum of a dog, immediately decided those bones were hers. I leaned down and started to chase her to get the bones out of her mouth. While all this is happening, my mother is loading the dirty knives into the dishwasher. I walked head first into the business end of a Santoku knife.

My poor mother is beside herself thinking she stabbed me in the eye. She is so upset, even still. I, the paramedic with a macabre sense of humour, find it absolutely hilarious.

Heads bleed. Even small wounds bleed a lot. I had blood everywhere. It was at this precise moment I learned I don’t have any gauze in my house. I grabbed a wad of toilet paper and pushed as hard as my head allowed. I managed to get the bleeding to stop after 15 minutes. Unfortunately the wound was open so off to the urgent care I went.

Three stitches, antibiotics, and a tetanus shot later and I’m back home.

I can’t go to work tomorrow. The potential for infection and where the N95 masks would sit are both problems. I guess it’s an extra long weekend for me!

My poor mother is so much more upset by this event than I ever will be. She did nothing wrong. I walked into a knife she happened to be holding. I dropped the chicken bones my dog wanted so desperately to eat, and swallowed them in the confusion of my head bleeding everywhere.

Accidents happen. You just have to laugh!

Random and Spontaneous

This weekend I made plans. I went out with a good friend intent on having a good time. And I did!

I had more fun this weekend than I’ve had in a long time. Most of it was completely random.

We started at a local duelling piano bar, as planned. It’s upbeat energy was amazing. The employees were funny and engaging.

Eventually the friend I was with changed. One went home and another took her place. We left the piano bar, walked around downtown, talked for hours, and rode bikes across town in the middle of the night.

Hours went by in a flash. The next thing you know I’m sneaking home at 5am.

Will I do it again? I certainly hope so.

I’m so glad I had the opportunity.

Find yourself being random. Do something spontaneous. Sneak home at 5am.

Life Lessons

I’ve learned and grown a lot over the last couple years. My entire world was ripped out from under me in a 6 month span. I could have collapsed. At times I wanted to. But I didn’t.

I persevered. I pushed forward. I grew. I learned. I became stronger.

I’ve learned my children will always be my motivation. Everything I do is for them. I want to be there for them and provide for them but also I want them to see resilience. I want them to know it’s okay to be hurt and life is hard but they can do it and it is worth it. I want them to know I am and will always be there for them.

I’ve learned it doesn’t matter how many years or miles separate you, good friends will always be there for you. ALWAYS.

I’ve learned friends come and go. And that’s okay.

I’ve learned some people like drama. They want to be a part of it. They will try to exploit yours or create their own to drag you into.

I’ve learned those people aren’t worth my time.

I’ve learned your emergency isn’t mine. I won’t make it mine. I can’t bear your burden and my own. I can help you help yourself. It’s all I have to offer and if you can’t help yourself, I can no longer help you either.

I’ve learned I will never be consistent posting blogs or to any other social media platform. I’m having fun and that’s all that matters.

I’ve learned I can have friends and go out with them when I want. I can buy that car or that house all on my own. I can have elective surgery if I choose. I don’t need permission from anyone but myself.

But most importantly I’ve learned we are all responsible for our own happiness. True happiness can only come from within. Being satisfied with who you are and where you are going.

I realised somewhere along the lines the biggest leap of faith one can take is to believe in oneself. Sure things will go wrong. Mistakes will be made. Don’t let that bring you down. Learn from it. Grow in spite of it.

I’ve learned I am enough. I was broken. Now I’m happy and stronger for having lived through it.

Civility

According to Merriam-Webster the definition of civility is as follows:

1 a: civilized conduct especially: COURTESY, POLITENESS. bemoaned the decline of civility in our politics

b: a polite act or expression lacked the little civilities and hypocrisies of political society— Roy Jenkins. The men briefly exchanged civilities before the meeting began.

Why do we find it so hard to be courteous and polite to one another? So often we are unnecessarily hostile and repugnant .

There have been many times in the last few months I have been amazed at how uncivilised people are. It’s just not necessary.

It takes less effort to be kind. It also makes you look like a better person. There is no need to be aggressive and belligerent. There is no to be hostile and hateful. There is no need to be destructive.

It’s the time of year when we should be kinder to each other. Let’s start with those we know, whether or not they have caused you pain, and just be nice. It doesn’t cost anything to be nice.

Have some civility.

Be kind to each other.

No one deserves to be treated poorly.

Happiness

Sometimes happiness comes from validation. From having someone else acknowledge your accomplishments.

Sometimes happiness comes from the people you surround yourself with. Whether family, friends, or coworkers, good company can cause elation and joy.

Sometimes, though, and most importantly, happiness can come from within.

Today while walking Sage, I found myself smiling.

Yesterday while at work, I found myself smiling.

I’m smiling because I have realised I’ve got this. I am enough. I’m smiling because my kids know I love them and I know they love me. I’m smiling because I have a fun loving, snuggly dog that loves to wear clothes and occasionally matches my pyjamas. I’m smiling because Christmas is my favourite time of year. I’m smiling because I get to see the kids in a couple days for Thanksgiving.

I’m smiling because I’m happy.

Find your happiness. It’s okay to ask for help. Sometimes even caregivers need care.

Christmas

It’s no secret Christmas is my favourite time of year. People are more generous, more compassionate, and overall just nicer. It’s an atmosphere only found this time of year. But that’s not why I love Christmas so much.

To me christmas isn’t about presents or parties or food and drink. Christmas is about spending time with family. That’s what matters most to me. You get to see family you haven’t seen since last Christmas or you can spend an extra day with those you take for granted the rest of the year. You can see smiles, laughter, and love right in front of you.

No not everything goes perfect. Maybe someone gets frustrated or irritable. Maybe someone gets disappointed. But there you are. Together. Sharing the most precious gift of all with family. Your time.

2020 has been one heck of a year. I’m no better or worse off than anyone else. But Christmas this year is going to look a whole lot different.

This is going to be the first Christmas in 20 years I’m not with my kids and husband. Not only that but it will be the first Christmas ever without my father.

This year is trying its hardest to break me down but I won’t let it. I refuse to let tragedy ruin my favourite time of year. Maybe the kids won’t be here on Christmas Day but they will be here a couple days later. Maybe I don’t get to share the joy of my children with a loving husband but my mom will be right there beside me all day. Maybe my father won’t be here physically but his love and memories are in all our hearts so he will always be near by.

At the end of the day, or season, or year, remember what’s important. Hold on to what you love. Don’t dwell on what you’ve lost. That only takes away from what you have. Enjoy what’s right in front of you. Start new traditions. Give your love and time to making new memories.

Have compassion and spread happiness this season. A simple smile can change someone’s day. You never know what they’re going through.

Every Other Sunday

My family has been my everything for as long as I can remember. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in my life, as long as my family is by my side, I know I will be okay. And then comes along 2020.

First I lost my father. The man I’ve looked up to my entire life. The man no one else can measure up to. The man who always had my back and helped me grow and taught me how to be a good person with a big heart. The most kind, caring, and giving person I have ever met.

Then I lost my husband. Pandemics and grief do crazy things to people. I lost my best friend and the man who helped raise our amazing children. The only other man that has been there for me through my adult life. The man who has been so caring and supportive our entire relationship.

And now, every other Sunday I lose my children.

My oldest is 19. As an adult, he comes and goes as he pleases. I see him at least once a week and I try to talk to him every day. But his siblings are still minors.

I get to spend every other week watching movies and helping with homework and playing board or card games and cooking or baking and painting our nails and taking dogs on walks. I do my best to spend as much time with them as I can because I know when Sunday comes, they will be gone again. Every time they leave or I drop them off, my heart breaks a little more.

Luckily, this Sunday they are coming back. I can’t wait to see them again. I can’t wait to spend the week making memories and being there for them.

I love my children more than I could ever imagine. I just hate every other Sunday.