My life is an open book. I don’t hide much of anything. I like to share my experiences with others to potentially help them or at least let them know I can empathise with what they are going through. Until something big happens to me.
There is a quote from Doctor Who that I plan to have tattooed on my arm because it describes me so well. “I am, and always will be, the optimist, the hoper of far-flung hopes, and the dreamer of improbable dreams.” – Matt Smith as the Eleventh Doctor. I do my best to see the light in every situation I am in. I believe dreams can come true. I want those around me to feel empowered and not undervalued or misunderstood.
When something major happens in my life, I don’t tell a soul. I tend to keep the darkest and scariest parts of my life hidden until I can’t anymore. I am working on doing a better job but I’m still a work in progress.
Recently I found a lump in my breast. I was positive it was scar tissue from a previous surgery but I was still a little scared, okay I was a lot scared. There is a large presence of cancer all over my family, including breast cancer. I did a BRCA test years ago but, although it was negative, that doesn’t mean I can’t get cancer, just that I am not at a 40% greater risk of getting cancer.
I didn’t tell anyone. For a couple weeks I kept it to myself. I made an appointment with my doctor but didn’t say a word. I didn’t tell a single soul that my life could be about to really change. Then I told only a couple of people that are close to me. Saying it out loud made it all the more real. I didn’t want it to be real. When I did get in to see my doctor, she wanted me to have a same day mammogram. Since they couldn’t get me in that day they wanted me to come in on a day I was supposed to work. I told them I was working and to make the appointment for the following week. They asked me to take sick leave and come in on the day I was supposed to be working.
That made it even more real. Now they want me to get a diagnostic mammogram followed by ultrasound, urgently.
I was scared. I did what I always do and I put on a brave face. I pretended nothing was wrong. “It’s nothing.” “It’s just scar tissue and they are being cautious.” “Better to be safe than sorry.” But inside, I was terrified.
I have some really great friends. Like the best a girl could ask for. I can quite literally trust them with my life.
But I couldn’t trust them with my fear of facing cancer.
I made light of it. I remained positive. I told everyone I KNOW it is scar tissue and they are making a big deal out of nothing.
If I am being truthful, I don’t even think I was completely honest with myself. That became evident when I got back into my car with a clean bill of health and a new “post surgical oil cyst” whose name is now Gertrude.
Y’all, the relief that poured out of my eyes while sitting in the parking lot of my doctor’s office was heavy. A gigantic weight streamed out of my body and I finally allowed myself to understand fully that I had a major cancer scare but I am fine. I do NOT have cancer.
I am not an emotional person. I am an extremely logical thinker and emotions don’t come naturally for me. Emotions don’t make sense; they get in the way. They cloud judgement and cause problems.
Today, sitting in my car alone, being told I don’t have cancer, just a new friend named Gertrude, I was an emotional wreck.
Once I collected myself, nothing could get me down. I was on cloud nine! Tears and elation in one day? You know what, I’ll take it.
So here’s to learning how to ask for help. Here’s to learning to have emotions and allowing myself to feel. But most of all, here’s to being cancer free!
Oily Minded Medic 