Tag: north carolina

Evolving Dreams

The majority of my life I have been known as a mother, and a wife, and a paramedic. Although I am still both a paramedic and a mother, I am no longer a wife. And that’s okay. People change. They grow apart. Their dreams and visions evolve.

Over the last two years I have grown in ways I never knew possible. I have taken time to do things for myself I would have only dreamed of before. Not to the fault of anyone else besides the “norms” of society.

The world in which I have lived and grown in has dictated that women first and foremost relinquish their own lives and happiness to become a mother. And when they have given all they think they have to raising children, they should be a perfect homemaker and wife at the same time. Giving every other part of their livelihoods to building a household and making their husbands feel comfortable and loved. Then, when you have almost nothing left to give, women are expected to have a full time job to help support their households, if not a couple part time jobs as well.

I am not saying I was a perfect wife nor housekeeper. I am not saying I am a perfect mother. I am not saying I am a perfect employee. What I am saying is that the society I grew up in expected me to be all of those things. All of the time. And if I failed in any one of those aspects in the very slightest, I wasn’t good enough. I’ve lived my entire life trying to satisfy unrealistic expectations. And I am finally over it.

I am divorced. That does not make me a failure.

My children share their time between two households. When they are here I work 12 hour shifts a couple of those days, sometimes over night. That does not make me a failure.

I have a full time job. I have taken vacation and FMLA and sick leave in the last six months. That does not make me a failure.

There once was a time I considered my value based on what society told me was ideal. According to that, I AM a failure. But you know what? Society is wrong. 50 years ago. 20 years ago. Even now. One cannot base a woman’s worth on anything. ANYTHING. Women cannot continue to compare themselves to impractical standards. Women CANNOT continue to compare themselves to other women.

Do what makes you happy. If you think that makes you a bad mother, just think of the example you are setting for you kids. Do you want them to live life as you are? If you think that makes you a bad wife, maybe that marriage isn’t for you. And that’s okay. If you think that makes you a bad employee, perhaps it’s time to find another career or employer. There is NOTHING wrong with that.

I have been to Asheville, Orlando, Charlotte, Atlanta, Winston Salem, and Sint Maarten, concerts, hockey games, and had surgery since January. I have several more vacations, concerts, and weekend adventures planned for the rest of the year. I have been hiking and running and hanging out with friends and neighbours with no intention of slowing down anytime soon.

I say all this to encourage everyone to do something, anything, to make them happy. The only thing it costs is a little bit of time you once had dedicated to something else. I promise you. Your happiness is worth it.

You only get one life. Don’t waste it trying to show the world you are what they think you ought to be. Don’t waste it trying to make others happy.

Do what makes you happy. True happiness is infectious and shines onto all those around you.

Allow your dreams to evolve or, for once, allow yourself the opportunity to fulfil your own dreams.

You are worth it.

Life Lessons

I’ve learned and grown a lot over the last couple years. My entire world was ripped out from under me in a 6 month span. I could have collapsed. At times I wanted to. But I didn’t.

I persevered. I pushed forward. I grew. I learned. I became stronger.

I’ve learned my children will always be my motivation. Everything I do is for them. I want to be there for them and provide for them but also I want them to see resilience. I want them to know it’s okay to be hurt and life is hard but they can do it and it is worth it. I want them to know I am and will always be there for them.

I’ve learned it doesn’t matter how many years or miles separate you, good friends will always be there for you. ALWAYS.

I’ve learned friends come and go. And that’s okay.

I’ve learned some people like drama. They want to be a part of it. They will try to exploit yours or create their own to drag you into.

I’ve learned those people aren’t worth my time.

I’ve learned your emergency isn’t mine. I won’t make it mine. I can’t bear your burden and my own. I can help you help yourself. It’s all I have to offer and if you can’t help yourself, I can no longer help you either.

I’ve learned I will never be consistent posting blogs or to any other social media platform. I’m having fun and that’s all that matters.

I’ve learned I can have friends and go out with them when I want. I can buy that car or that house all on my own. I can have elective surgery if I choose. I don’t need permission from anyone but myself.

But most importantly I’ve learned we are all responsible for our own happiness. True happiness can only come from within. Being satisfied with who you are and where you are going.

I realised somewhere along the lines the biggest leap of faith one can take is to believe in oneself. Sure things will go wrong. Mistakes will be made. Don’t let that bring you down. Learn from it. Grow in spite of it.

I’ve learned I am enough. I was broken. Now I’m happy and stronger for having lived through it.

Civility

According to Merriam-Webster the definition of civility is as follows:

1 a: civilized conduct especially: COURTESY, POLITENESS. bemoaned the decline of civility in our politics

b: a polite act or expression lacked the little civilities and hypocrisies of political society— Roy Jenkins. The men briefly exchanged civilities before the meeting began.

Why do we find it so hard to be courteous and polite to one another? So often we are unnecessarily hostile and repugnant .

There have been many times in the last few months I have been amazed at how uncivilised people are. It’s just not necessary.

It takes less effort to be kind. It also makes you look like a better person. There is no need to be aggressive and belligerent. There is no to be hostile and hateful. There is no need to be destructive.

It’s the time of year when we should be kinder to each other. Let’s start with those we know, whether or not they have caused you pain, and just be nice. It doesn’t cost anything to be nice.

Have some civility.

Be kind to each other.

No one deserves to be treated poorly.

Happiness

Sometimes happiness comes from validation. From having someone else acknowledge your accomplishments.

Sometimes happiness comes from the people you surround yourself with. Whether family, friends, or coworkers, good company can cause elation and joy.

Sometimes, though, and most importantly, happiness can come from within.

Today while walking Sage, I found myself smiling.

Yesterday while at work, I found myself smiling.

I’m smiling because I have realised I’ve got this. I am enough. I’m smiling because my kids know I love them and I know they love me. I’m smiling because I have a fun loving, snuggly dog that loves to wear clothes and occasionally matches my pyjamas. I’m smiling because Christmas is my favourite time of year. I’m smiling because I get to see the kids in a couple days for Thanksgiving.

I’m smiling because I’m happy.

Find your happiness. It’s okay to ask for help. Sometimes even caregivers need care.

Christmas

It’s no secret Christmas is my favourite time of year. People are more generous, more compassionate, and overall just nicer. It’s an atmosphere only found this time of year. But that’s not why I love Christmas so much.

To me christmas isn’t about presents or parties or food and drink. Christmas is about spending time with family. That’s what matters most to me. You get to see family you haven’t seen since last Christmas or you can spend an extra day with those you take for granted the rest of the year. You can see smiles, laughter, and love right in front of you.

No not everything goes perfect. Maybe someone gets frustrated or irritable. Maybe someone gets disappointed. But there you are. Together. Sharing the most precious gift of all with family. Your time.

2020 has been one heck of a year. I’m no better or worse off than anyone else. But Christmas this year is going to look a whole lot different.

This is going to be the first Christmas in 20 years I’m not with my kids and husband. Not only that but it will be the first Christmas ever without my father.

This year is trying its hardest to break me down but I won’t let it. I refuse to let tragedy ruin my favourite time of year. Maybe the kids won’t be here on Christmas Day but they will be here a couple days later. Maybe I don’t get to share the joy of my children with a loving husband but my mom will be right there beside me all day. Maybe my father won’t be here physically but his love and memories are in all our hearts so he will always be near by.

At the end of the day, or season, or year, remember what’s important. Hold on to what you love. Don’t dwell on what you’ve lost. That only takes away from what you have. Enjoy what’s right in front of you. Start new traditions. Give your love and time to making new memories.

Have compassion and spread happiness this season. A simple smile can change someone’s day. You never know what they’re going through.

Every Other Sunday

My family has been my everything for as long as I can remember. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in my life, as long as my family is by my side, I know I will be okay. And then comes along 2020.

First I lost my father. The man I’ve looked up to my entire life. The man no one else can measure up to. The man who always had my back and helped me grow and taught me how to be a good person with a big heart. The most kind, caring, and giving person I have ever met.

Then I lost my husband. Pandemics and grief do crazy things to people. I lost my best friend and the man who helped raise our amazing children. The only other man that has been there for me through my adult life. The man who has been so caring and supportive our entire relationship.

And now, every other Sunday I lose my children.

My oldest is 19. As an adult, he comes and goes as he pleases. I see him at least once a week and I try to talk to him every day. But his siblings are still minors.

I get to spend every other week watching movies and helping with homework and playing board or card games and cooking or baking and painting our nails and taking dogs on walks. I do my best to spend as much time with them as I can because I know when Sunday comes, they will be gone again. Every time they leave or I drop them off, my heart breaks a little more.

Luckily, this Sunday they are coming back. I can’t wait to see them again. I can’t wait to spend the week making memories and being there for them.

I love my children more than I could ever imagine. I just hate every other Sunday.

Clarity

Emotions tend to cloud your judgement and blind you to the overt. This year has been an emotional monsoon for me. It can be hard to see the sun through a constant downpour of tragedy and loss. But then one day it happens.

A single ray of sun breaks through the storm. It shines a light on the one thing you needed to see to understand you’ve got this. You can survive.

I had a moment of clarity yesterday. I realised something that had always been right in front of me, staring me in the face but I didn’t want to believe it. I finally understood I am enough.

I figured out what is most important to me. My family is what I treasure. I don’t care about titles or money or anything else. What makes me happy is spending time with my children. As long as my children are happy and I get to enjoy their company, I can get through anything.

I’m still working on me. But I am actually happy. I have three children who are beautiful on the inside and out. I have a mother who supports any decision I make. I have a fantastic career. I have a place to live and food on my table. And I have a dog who is always by my side.

The rain is starting to slow down. The clouds are breaking. Clear skies are on the horizon. I will survive this storm.

Moving On

How does one move on when his or her life has been completely turned upside down? Resiliency.

I can’t say where I would currently be if I didn’t have children to worry about. If my well being didn’t directly affect that of my children’s, I would probably be in a much darker space. I lost my father. I was grieving while caring for a grieving mother. She then broke her hip so I chose to tend to her needs over my own. All the while I was working full time as a paramedic in the middle of a global pandemic.

At some point in time my husband turned to someone else for his struggles. Now, we have to face them on our own. I am no longer the one he comes to when times get tough.

In the last 6 weeks I have learnt a lot. As it turns out, I am pretty strong. I am pretty resilient. I am a fighter. And I love fiercely. My children’s well being is more important than mine. I will make sure they are doing well even if it means making a sacrifice of my own. Sleep and nourishment have been second place to making sure my boys and girl know they are loved and I am there for them at all times these last few weeks.

As unintentional as is has been, I have lost almost 30 pounds in less than 6 weeks I try to eat. Food just makes me nauseated. I get hungry but then I can’t stomach anything. One or two bites and I have to stop.

It’s not just my marriage. I’ve lost my best friend. I’ve also lost all the family and friends that came with him. I am lost. I am hurt. I am trying to move on.

I am looking forward to 2021. I am looking forward to new beginnings. I am looking forward to a new life. I am looking forward to happiness that comes from within.

I miss my husband and our past life. I will add that to the list of bereavements I have accumulated in 2020. But one thing I refuse to do is show my children that they can’t overcome anything life throws at them. They need to see resilience in order to be able to replicate it in their own lives.

I may be hurting. I may be broken. But I refuse to let my children see that because there is so much more to life than your brain wants you to believe.

You are enough. You can do anything on your own. You will survive.

Highlights vs Real Life

Most posts on social media are the highlight reels of someone’s life. You see smiles and love and happy spins on events. People love to see that side of things. But we all know that isn’t real life.

Real life hurts sometimes. Real life can be ugly. Real life is full of death, broken bones, pandemics, anxiety, and pain.

Real life is what is behind the joy of helping your mother move on with her life after the death of her soul mate and healing from a broken hip. Real life is when your partner and best friend of 20 years, the person you can’t wait to talk to and share your life with, out of the blue wants space and asks you to leave the life you’ve built together so he can find himself.

Real life is spending sleepless nights crying or days on end too sick with hurt to eat. Real life is losing 10 pounds in a week because you can’t fathom how the person you love and trusted most in the world could hurt you so deeply the same year your father died.

Real life is worrying about the three children caught in the middle of everything who don’t deserve the pain. The children who should be able to look at their parents and know everything is going to be okay. Instead, those same children end up consoling the shell of the mother they once knew.

Life isn’t fair. This year has been less than fair to many people. And now, blindsided, hurt, angry, confused, and heartbroken, I have to put on a strong face. My children deserve me at my best. They shouldn’t have to see me like this but that’s the cards we have been dealt together.

Maybe this year is finished with its surprises and maybe it isn’t. Maybe my husband, who has been so kind, caring, and supportive our entire relationship, can figure out whatever is going on with him so I can go back home and maybe he won’t. Maybe I will be starting over with my mother and maybe that won’t be necessary. I will, however, absolutely pick myself up and be the best version of me I can. It may take a long time but my children deserve no less.

Pandemic Paramedicine

The first time I had to suit up to respond to a cardiac arrest at work during this pandemic, I was nervous. I have worn N95s and other protective equipment before but it felt different this time. It felt so much more dangerous.

This time I could bring home a virus that I didn’t know I was carrying. I’m already immunocompromised but so is my mother. She has been on inhaled steroids for most of her adult life and lives with us.

To all of you who work on a COVID unit, thank you. I don’t know how you do it.

I was so scared when I had to respond to the COVID unit of a local nursing home and transport a known positive patient. I can’t imagine that stress every time you go to work. You can’t become complacent because that’s when you get sick.

Thank you to everyone who wears their masks properly. Thank you to those washing their hands and properly socially distancing.

A HUGE thank you to everyone who works on the frontlines and to those in support services helping them behind the scenes.