Tag: widow

Life Lessons

I’ve learned and grown a lot over the last couple years. My entire world was ripped out from under me in a 6 month span. I could have collapsed. At times I wanted to. But I didn’t.

I persevered. I pushed forward. I grew. I learned. I became stronger.

I’ve learned my children will always be my motivation. Everything I do is for them. I want to be there for them and provide for them but also I want them to see resilience. I want them to know it’s okay to be hurt and life is hard but they can do it and it is worth it. I want them to know I am and will always be there for them.

I’ve learned it doesn’t matter how many years or miles separate you, good friends will always be there for you. ALWAYS.

I’ve learned friends come and go. And that’s okay.

I’ve learned some people like drama. They want to be a part of it. They will try to exploit yours or create their own to drag you into.

I’ve learned those people aren’t worth my time.

I’ve learned your emergency isn’t mine. I won’t make it mine. I can’t bear your burden and my own. I can help you help yourself. It’s all I have to offer and if you can’t help yourself, I can no longer help you either.

I’ve learned I will never be consistent posting blogs or to any other social media platform. I’m having fun and that’s all that matters.

I’ve learned I can have friends and go out with them when I want. I can buy that car or that house all on my own. I can have elective surgery if I choose. I don’t need permission from anyone but myself.

But most importantly I’ve learned we are all responsible for our own happiness. True happiness can only come from within. Being satisfied with who you are and where you are going.

I realised somewhere along the lines the biggest leap of faith one can take is to believe in oneself. Sure things will go wrong. Mistakes will be made. Don’t let that bring you down. Learn from it. Grow in spite of it.

I’ve learned I am enough. I was broken. Now I’m happy and stronger for having lived through it.

Christmas

It’s no secret Christmas is my favourite time of year. People are more generous, more compassionate, and overall just nicer. It’s an atmosphere only found this time of year. But that’s not why I love Christmas so much.

To me christmas isn’t about presents or parties or food and drink. Christmas is about spending time with family. That’s what matters most to me. You get to see family you haven’t seen since last Christmas or you can spend an extra day with those you take for granted the rest of the year. You can see smiles, laughter, and love right in front of you.

No not everything goes perfect. Maybe someone gets frustrated or irritable. Maybe someone gets disappointed. But there you are. Together. Sharing the most precious gift of all with family. Your time.

2020 has been one heck of a year. I’m no better or worse off than anyone else. But Christmas this year is going to look a whole lot different.

This is going to be the first Christmas in 20 years I’m not with my kids and husband. Not only that but it will be the first Christmas ever without my father.

This year is trying its hardest to break me down but I won’t let it. I refuse to let tragedy ruin my favourite time of year. Maybe the kids won’t be here on Christmas Day but they will be here a couple days later. Maybe I don’t get to share the joy of my children with a loving husband but my mom will be right there beside me all day. Maybe my father won’t be here physically but his love and memories are in all our hearts so he will always be near by.

At the end of the day, or season, or year, remember what’s important. Hold on to what you love. Don’t dwell on what you’ve lost. That only takes away from what you have. Enjoy what’s right in front of you. Start new traditions. Give your love and time to making new memories.

Have compassion and spread happiness this season. A simple smile can change someone’s day. You never know what they’re going through.

Moving On

How does one move on when his or her life has been completely turned upside down? Resiliency.

I can’t say where I would currently be if I didn’t have children to worry about. If my well being didn’t directly affect that of my children’s, I would probably be in a much darker space. I lost my father. I was grieving while caring for a grieving mother. She then broke her hip so I chose to tend to her needs over my own. All the while I was working full time as a paramedic in the middle of a global pandemic.

At some point in time my husband turned to someone else for his struggles. Now, we have to face them on our own. I am no longer the one he comes to when times get tough.

In the last 6 weeks I have learnt a lot. As it turns out, I am pretty strong. I am pretty resilient. I am a fighter. And I love fiercely. My children’s well being is more important than mine. I will make sure they are doing well even if it means making a sacrifice of my own. Sleep and nourishment have been second place to making sure my boys and girl know they are loved and I am there for them at all times these last few weeks.

As unintentional as is has been, I have lost almost 30 pounds in less than 6 weeks I try to eat. Food just makes me nauseated. I get hungry but then I can’t stomach anything. One or two bites and I have to stop.

It’s not just my marriage. I’ve lost my best friend. I’ve also lost all the family and friends that came with him. I am lost. I am hurt. I am trying to move on.

I am looking forward to 2021. I am looking forward to new beginnings. I am looking forward to a new life. I am looking forward to happiness that comes from within.

I miss my husband and our past life. I will add that to the list of bereavements I have accumulated in 2020. But one thing I refuse to do is show my children that they can’t overcome anything life throws at them. They need to see resilience in order to be able to replicate it in their own lives.

I may be hurting. I may be broken. But I refuse to let my children see that because there is so much more to life than your brain wants you to believe.

You are enough. You can do anything on your own. You will survive.

Highlights vs Real Life

Most posts on social media are the highlight reels of someone’s life. You see smiles and love and happy spins on events. People love to see that side of things. But we all know that isn’t real life.

Real life hurts sometimes. Real life can be ugly. Real life is full of death, broken bones, pandemics, anxiety, and pain.

Real life is what is behind the joy of helping your mother move on with her life after the death of her soul mate and healing from a broken hip. Real life is when your partner and best friend of 20 years, the person you can’t wait to talk to and share your life with, out of the blue wants space and asks you to leave the life you’ve built together so he can find himself.

Real life is spending sleepless nights crying or days on end too sick with hurt to eat. Real life is losing 10 pounds in a week because you can’t fathom how the person you love and trusted most in the world could hurt you so deeply the same year your father died.

Real life is worrying about the three children caught in the middle of everything who don’t deserve the pain. The children who should be able to look at their parents and know everything is going to be okay. Instead, those same children end up consoling the shell of the mother they once knew.

Life isn’t fair. This year has been less than fair to many people. And now, blindsided, hurt, angry, confused, and heartbroken, I have to put on a strong face. My children deserve me at my best. They shouldn’t have to see me like this but that’s the cards we have been dealt together.

Maybe this year is finished with its surprises and maybe it isn’t. Maybe my husband, who has been so kind, caring, and supportive our entire relationship, can figure out whatever is going on with him so I can go back home and maybe he won’t. Maybe I will be starting over with my mother and maybe that won’t be necessary. I will, however, absolutely pick myself up and be the best version of me I can. It may take a long time but my children deserve no less.

Starting Over

My mother is 65 years old. She has always lived with someone else. She lived with family and then got married to my father. That was 45 years ago. They lived together for nearly 45 years.

When Dad died in March, Mom moved in with me, my husband, and our three children. She watched as her entire life, everything she worked for, everything she lived for, was erased before her eyes. She lost her soulmate. She lost her house and all her belongings. She was lost herself.

Tuesday she started a new chapter in her life. My mother moved into her very own apartment! See her smile!

I am helping her get back on her feet. I am making sure she has everything she needs. Together, her new life starts now.

Naturally Kenzie and I had to check out the pool! The kids love her new apartment. Furniture is slowing going to be delivered but give it a few weeks and this place will feel like a home. Mom’s home.

This phase in life is a step forward for my mother. A little bit of independence and something to call her own. Good luck, Mom. I’ve got your back.