It’s Okay to not be Okay

Some people might call it the quarantine blues. Some might call it being overwhelmed. Whatever it is, right now I am not okay, and that’s okay. You know why? Because I will be.

A month ago my Dad died. I wasn’t ready to lose him then and I am still not ready for life without him now. That same day our house grew by a fourth dog and a sixth human. All of this happened while a pandemic was spreading and now everyone has to stay at home.

I feel responsible for taking care of everyone, dogs and humans alike. I feel when I forget something that I’m failing, as a wife, as a mother, and as a daughter. I feel like I have to remember to feed kids, feed the dogs, make doctor and dentist appointments, give dogs their flea/tick deterrent, make vet appointments, pay the bills, like ALL the bills, remember all the dates for all the things, etc. I also feel like I have to clean the house, do the laundry, do the dishes, or remind people to do all those things. It never ends.

While doing all the things, I also feel like I have to be strong. I can’t show my grief or pain. I can’t be frustrated. I have to be the shoulder for everyone to lean on. I have to be level headed, calm, and comforting at all times. I feel like if I get frustrated or anxious, I’m to blame.

Nothing anyone has done has made me put this pressure on myself. I did it all on my own. Not my husband, nor my mother, nor my children have been needy or greedy. I have decided I need to carry the entire load myself. I rarely ask for help and when I do it’s usually out of frustration.

I have a phenomenal support system. I have coworkers who message me regularly. I have friends that check on me and truly would come to my rescue. I have a loving husband, the most caring mother, and my children know when I need anything, even just a glass of water, and they get it without me having to ask. But I have trouble delegating tasks and not being the supervisor over them.

I saw this list online somewhere and it hit home. Clearly I am exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, completely exhausted. But that’s okay. This list made me recognise what the problem is. This list made me understand I need to ask for help. This list may have just saved me from losing my s*** on an undeserving soul.

There are still more things that need to get done than I can comprehend. There will always be things that need to get done. But you know what? It’s not today’s problem. Today I am going to sit on the couch and snuggle with my puppy. I’m going to ignore the slightly agitated tones of anyone else. I’m sure they are just as exhausted as I am. We will get though this together. We will all be okay.