Moving On

How does one move on when his or her life has been completely turned upside down? Resiliency.

I can’t say where I would currently be if I didn’t have children to worry about. If my well being didn’t directly affect that of my children’s, I would probably be in a much darker space. I lost my father. I was grieving while caring for a grieving mother. She then broke her hip so I chose to tend to her needs over my own. All the while I was working full time as a paramedic in the middle of a global pandemic.

At some point in time my husband turned to someone else for his struggles. Now, we have to face them on our own. I am no longer the one he comes to when times get tough.

In the last 6 weeks I have learnt a lot. As it turns out, I am pretty strong. I am pretty resilient. I am a fighter. And I love fiercely. My children’s well being is more important than mine. I will make sure they are doing well even if it means making a sacrifice of my own. Sleep and nourishment have been second place to making sure my boys and girl know they are loved and I am there for them at all times these last few weeks.

As unintentional as is has been, I have lost almost 30 pounds in less than 6 weeks I try to eat. Food just makes me nauseated. I get hungry but then I can’t stomach anything. One or two bites and I have to stop.

It’s not just my marriage. I’ve lost my best friend. I’ve also lost all the family and friends that came with him. I am lost. I am hurt. I am trying to move on.

I am looking forward to 2021. I am looking forward to new beginnings. I am looking forward to a new life. I am looking forward to happiness that comes from within.

I miss my husband and our past life. I will add that to the list of bereavements I have accumulated in 2020. But one thing I refuse to do is show my children that they can’t overcome anything life throws at them. They need to see resilience in order to be able to replicate it in their own lives.

I may be hurting. I may be broken. But I refuse to let my children see that because there is so much more to life than your brain wants you to believe.

You are enough. You can do anything on your own. You will survive.